Baseball Jokes

The following page consists of baseball related jokes, humorous stories, puns, play on words, play on players, and all other types of humor related to virtually every aspect of the game of baseball.

Important Notes: Players names and team names can often be interchanged and jokes appear in their original format / as they were found on the internet, in books, on television, on the radio and in the newspapers. NONE of them were written by Baseball Almanac.

Baseball Almanac Top Quote

"Well, at least the Chicago Cubs are trying. They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1."

Baseball Jokes

In Alphabetical Order

12-year-old Jeff Maier reached out and caught a fly ball at the Yankees-Orioles game, causing Baltimore to lose the first game of the playoffs.

This means that Maier has already caught more fly balls than the entire Mets outfield...

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game:

The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Damn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."

A couple of Yogi Berra's teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, "What kind of people are those Americans?" He said, "Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang 'Jose can you see.'"

"A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th inning. "The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't missed a thing."

Baseball fans are hoping that President Clinton may throw out the first pitch at one of the World Series games.

"Normally, we'd ask Hillary," said a baseball spokesman. "Because she seems to be the one with the balls."

Bill Clinton was at a baseball game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

Comedian Rich Hall said he figured out why Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame.

"Pete was probably sitting in some bar and told this guy he wouldn't make the Hall of Fame."

"That's crazy," the guy replies, "Of course, you can get in. Look at all the records you set"

"Bet you a million bucks I don't get elected."

Confucius Say: Baseball very funny game - man with four balls, no can walk!

Did you hear about Yankee stadium falling apart? A huge beam fell through the deteriorating roof.

In fact, this was the first time the Yankees have had a problem with crack without it resulting in the suspension of a player.

Did you hear? Detroit is building a new stadium but it is keeping its location hidden from the public.

Yeah, they're afraid the Tigers will find out where it is and try to play there.

Did you hear the sad news?

Tony Fernandez tried to kill himself the other day by jumping in front of a bus. Luckily it went right through his legs.

Did you know that Tony Fernandez is Spanish for Bill Buckner?

During the '94 baseball strike, Dodger stadium chefs and other workers couldn't work. Therefore the famous Dodger Dogs wouldn't be made for sometime.

As a result, the workers set free hundreds upon hundreds of gerbils, rodents, and other mammals.

During that big NBC fire at Rockefeller Center, a man was actually forced to leap from windows. Luckily, he was caught by the kid from the Yankee's game.

Greg Maddux just signed a 5 year, $57 million contract making him the highest paid player in baseball.

He's so rich that he can now hire a designated scratcher.

Here's an idea.

Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.

I don't understand baseball at all, do you?

You don't have to understand it. Everything is decided by a man they call a vampire.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

I love autumn. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the world series.

Kinda like the Dodgers.

Is There Baseball In Heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

It was so foggy today that the Cubs couldn't even see who was beating them.

MLB is deciding whether or not to reinstate Pete Rose in the 98 season.
When asked about it, Rose said, "I hope they do, cause I've got $50 riding on it."

More and more stadiums are bring back natural grass, they have too.

All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf.

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here".

"Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."

One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are.

The teacher asks the class, "Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?" Billy raises up his hand and says, "Yeah, Pennsylvania!". The teacher replies, "Very good, Billy!, now can anyone tell me were Detroit is?"

Suzy raises her hand and says, "That's in Michigan!" The teacher again says, "Very good."

Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, "Where's Kansas City?" Tommy raises his hand and says, "Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?" The teacher says, "OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?"

"Last place."

Spring training is very important.

It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for a few!"

This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."

But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"

So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.

Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression.

"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?"

"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."

The other day was take your daughter to work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.

Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low.

The Cubs have the same chip in their scoreboard.

This couple just recently got a divorce and they decided to move away from each other and go there separate ways. So, the father sat down and talked with his son and he said "Son, I think that it is best that you go and live with your mother." The kid said "No, I won't because she beats me." Then, the mother came in and talked to the son, "I think it is best that you go and live with your father" "NO NO," he replied, "He beats me." So then, both the parents sat down and said to their son, "Well if we both beat you, then who do you want to live with?" The son said, "The Red Sox. They can't beat anyone."

Tony Phillips has begun and acting career as some of you know.

Yeah, his first movie is called, "My Left Nostril."

Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he began writing again.

"Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow.

One guy looks up at it and says, "Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series."

Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar. A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out." Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby." To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"

Well, at least the Cubs are trying.

They installed a new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat them 4-1.

Well, it's time for the All-Star game again.

Or as the Tigers call it, baseball fantasy camp.

Well, the Marlins have made it to the World Series as you all know.
Miami hasn't been this excited since the invention of the hip replacement.

They've been recorded as staying up as late as 9:30 now.

What are O.J.'s favorite baseball teams?

The Red Sox and the Dodgers.

What baseball team does Pee Wee Herman like?
The Yankees.

What do Jose Offerman and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both where a glove for no apparent reason.

What do you get if you combine Steve Sax with a brass instrument?

A saxophone!

What is the difference between Mel Rojas and UPS?

UPS knows how to throw a strike.

What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?

One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.

What takes longer, running from first base to second, or from second to third?

Second to third, because you have to go through a shortstop.

Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?

O.J. Simpson.

Why did the coach kick Cinderella off the baseball team?

Because she ran away from the ball.

Why does Michael Jackson like baseball games?

Because he gets to see some balls.

Why is it so hot at Phillies games?

Because there's not a fan in the place.

Yankees slugger Darryl Strawberry fouled a pitch off his foot and now has a crack in his big toe.

This is the first time that the name Strawberry and the word crack were used in the same sentence without it ending with his suspension.

You heard about the big oil spill off the coast here?

Well they've hired the Dodgers to help clean it up. Yeah, they just go out there and throw in the towel.

You know Roberto Alomar's father played baseball also.

Yeah, Robby is a spitting image of him.

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: "Play Ball"

What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Fenway Park hotdog?

You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October!

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At least three new baseball joke books appear on book shelves each and every year and many of these books are the best selling baseball books written.

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