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1. Golfers don't
spit and scratch their privates on national television.
2. Golfers don't
kick dirt on other people.
3. Golf is an
honorable game played by an overwhelming majority of honorable
people who don't need referees.
4. Golfers don't
have big muscles and therefore are able to walk past a mirror
without looking into it.
5. Golfers are
compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
6. The PGA Tour
raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football
League does in two.
7. Albert Belle
doesn't play pro golf.
8. Pro golfers
can answer a question without having to wait till they see the
videotape.
9. When pro golfers
hit a foul ball, they don't get another chance. They either are
penalized or they have to go find it and hit it again.
10. Pro golfers
throw things to fans, not at them.
11. People don't
ruin their lives betting on the outcome of golf tournaments.
12. Baseball,
basketball and football players play golf when they retire. Pro
golfers don't play baseball, basketball and football when they
retire.
13. You can play
golf by yourself.
14. George Steinbrenner
doesn't have a team on the PGA Tour.
15. No golfer
has ever told a reporter or a group of reporters that he or she
is the greatest ever to play the game.
16. Golf doesn't
have training camp and overpriced exhibition games.
17. It is virtually
impossible to "fix'' a pro golf tournament.
18. Golf fans
don't throw things at the players.
19. When pro
golfers make a mistake, there is nobody there to cover for them
or back them up.
20. Michael Jordan
wishes he were a pro golfer.
21. Kids are
never murdered over a pair of golf shoes.
22. Golfers call
their own plays.
23. You can see
the best golfers in the world up close at the U.S. Open all day,
every day, for $25 or $30. It'll cost you $275 for a ticket in
the nosebleed section of the Super Bowl.
24. Pro golfers
don't charge $20 or more for an autograph.
25. In pro golf,
you can't fail 70 percent of the time and make $9 million per
season.
26. Golf lessons
don't include tips on how to break the rules and get away with
it.
27. Golfers don't
hold out for more money, or demand new contracts.
28. Golfers don't
get a per diem and two seats on a chartered airplane when they
travel from one tournament to the next.
29. Golfers don't
do everything possible to disrupt the play of their opponents.
30. Golfers do
their own laundry.
31. Golf doesn't
have a 3-stroke shot.
32. Golfers don't
lobby to get something they haven't earned with their clubs.
33. Golfers don't
claim that it takes exceptional intelligence to play their game
well.
34. Golf doesn't
change its rules to attract more fans.
35. Pro golfers
don't have bodyguards or entourages.
36. Pro golfers
don't have closed practices.
37. Pro golfers
keep their clothes on while they're being interviewed.
38. Greg Norman
shakes your hand and says he is happy to meet you; Jose Canseco
wears T-shirts that say "Leave me alone.''
39. Pro golfers
don't get in fights in bars.
40. Pro golfers
never say "I just want some respect.''
41. Children
don't have to "take it like a man'' to play golf.
42. Pro golfers
don't feel cheated because the game owes them something.
43. Pro golfers
can't substitute for themselves when they're having a bad day.
44. Pro golfers
don't taunt or punch each other.
45. Not only
does nobody levy fines against pro golfers who choose not to
practice, but nobody cares.
46. Pro golf
doesn't have free agency.
47. Pro golfers
don't try to renegotiate their earnings.
48. Fat people
and skinny people can play golf.
49. Pro golfers
can't abuse alcohol and drugs and be successful.
50. You can hear
birds chirping at a pro golf tournament. You hear a steady stream
of four-letter words and nasty name-calling in stadiums and arenas
while you're hoping nobody spills beer on you. |
