"Ahh, Jesus, I like him very much, but He no help with curveball." - Serrano.
"Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?" - Eddie Harris

"Hell of a situation we got here. (batter named Rexman) Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television. If you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head? (Rexman pops the ball straight up) Uh-oh, Rexie, I don't think this one's got the distance." - Jake Taylor

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor." - Hary Doyle

"How's your wife and my kids?" - Heywood

"I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries nowadays." - Janice Bowden
"Well it all depends on how good you are." - Jake Taylor
"How good are you?" - Janice Bowden
"I make the league minimum." - Jake Taylor

"In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar." - Harry Doyle

"I play for the Indians." - Jake Taylor
"Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team." - Chaire Holloway
"Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's really great!" - Jake Taylor

"I think he'll fit right in with our team concept." - Rachel Phelps
"That reminds me, I was going to ask you. What exactly 'is' our team concept?" - Charlie Donovan

"Just a bit outside" - Harry Doyle (on a pitch about 10 feet from the strike zone)

"Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant." - Harry Doyle

"That's my wife."- Jake Taylor
"Does she know that?" - Willie Mays Hayes
"Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up. Who's that guy she's with?" - Jake Taylor
"I don't know. He's not wearing a nametag." - Willie Mays Hayes
"Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?" - Rick Vaughn

"The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it." - Willie Mays Hayes

"This guy threw at his own son in a father son game." - Eddie Harris

"What the hell league you been playing in?" - Willie Mays Hayes
"California Penal." - Rick Vaughn
"Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?" - Willie Mays Hayes
"Stole a car." - Rick Vaughn

"What's that shit on your chest?" - Rick Vaughn
(wiping his finger across Vaughn's chest) "Crisco." - Eddie Harris
(wiping it across Vaughn's waist line) "Bardol." - Eddie Harris
(wiping it along his head) "Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeno up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just... (wipes his nose)" - Eddie Harris
"You put snot on the ball?" - Rick Vaughn
"I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too." - Eddie Harris

"Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes." - Willie Mays Hayes
"You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit." - Lou Brown